Written in the Scars on Our Hearts
by perfectromanceinmymind
Summary: "It's been written in the scars on our hearts/that we're not broken just bent..." One-shot follow up to Ep 9X21. "It all felt wrong. And that just didn't make sense. April couldn't understand it. It was supposed to feel right. It was supposed to be perfect. Matthew was perfect for her – everybody said so. Why didn't it feel right?"


**Ya'll. I've managed to write something! I know, I can't believe it either. That final like, 20 second scene in 9X21 gave me the first inspiration I've had in months. Feels good. The story title comes from Pink's song "Just Give Me a Reason." I was listening to it today and it just kinda spoke to me. So anyway, I hope ya'll enjoy - please do let me know!**

* * *

_It's been written in the scars on our hearts/that we're not broken just bent_

* * *

It all felt wrong.

And that just didn't make sense. April couldn't understand it. It was supposed to feel right. It was supposed to be perfect. Matthew was perfect for her – everybody said so. And he'd forgiven her and apologized and they were going to start fresh and so it should all just be so right.

But it wasn't.

They were walking out of the hospital together. He was holding her hand. She should be marveling at how nice it felt to have her hand in his. She should be smiling up at him, appreciating his nearness. She should – feel happy.

And she was. Happy. Or she thought she was. But she was also so terribly, terribly confused. Because she wasn't thinking at all about the feel of Matthew's hand holding hers or noticing his cologne or even really hearing a word he said. Because the words she kept hearing in her head were the ones Jackson had said to her just before Matthew walked up. The image she kept seeing was the look in Jackson's eyes as she met his gaze.

She was so distracted that she nearly tripped and fell when Matt stopped walking as they neared his car.

"Hey!" he said, laughing a little as he reached out to steady her. "You okay?"

April shook her head and then nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I'm okay." She took a deep breath and then shook her head again. "I have to go," she blurted out, not even realizing she'd cut him off mid-question.

"To get a drink or actually going to get dinner?"

"What?" April stammered. "I'm sorry, what?"

Matt laughed, albeit a little nervously. "I was asking if you wanted to go grab a drink or if you wanted to go somewhere besides Joe's and have a real dinner."

"Oh. I –"

Matt looked at her, concern evident on his face. "Really, are you okay?"

'Get a grip,' April thought to herself before taking another deep breath and smiling. It was dark enough in the parking lot that hopefully the forcedness of it didn't show.

"I'm sorry," she said. "It's just been a super stressful day, with the CDC here and everything. I'm kind of exhausted."

Matt nodded. "Yeah, I saw a few of them when I ran in for coffee earlier today. Must have been tense having them around."

April nodded. "Yeah. But Bailey's been cleared of wrongdoing, so that's good."

Matt nodded again. "Yeah, that's good."

They stood there awkwardly for a moment before Matt finally said, "Soo – drinks? Or –"

"I – I actually – I'm so tired. I probably should really just go home," April said apologetically. "I'll call you tomorrow?"

Matt nodded, clearly working to hide his disappointment. "Okay," he replied, leaning forward to give her a kiss. "I'll be looking forward to it."

April smiled. "Me too. Good night."

Aware of him watching her walk to her car, she moved with purpose, turning to wave good bye before unlocking the door and sliding behind the wheel.

"Oh God," she said softly. "What do I do?"

* * *

Jackson let himself into his dark apartment, tossed his bag on the floor and grabbed a beer from the fridge, twisting the cap off as he sat down on the couch. He took a long swig from the bottle before setting it down on the coffee table and leaning back on the couch and running his hands over his face. It had been an absolute _shit_ day. The CDC, a doctor with an infection, dead patients, a board of directors full of members who seemed to live just to shoot down every reasonable suggestion he made and then, to top it all off, another rant from April about their failed relationship.

Yeah, this day had sucked. So hard.

And the thing that sucked the most was that he could deal with most of it. He could handle an investigation; he could handle getting Bailey well and changing glove manufacturers. If he had to eventually, he could point out that his family's $175 million easily gave him the majority vote over the 'plane crash five.'

But he couldn't handle April. Seeing her still so upset and angry just broke his heart. He had meant what he said to her – he didn't regret what happened between them and he wasn't going to let her make him feel guilty about it.

But he would give just about anything to make it better for her.

Jackson was about halfway through his second beer when the knock at the door came.

He frowned as he got up to answer the door, trying to remember if Stephanie was supposed to be coming over. As jackassy as it sounded, he hoped it wasn't her; he just wasn't up for that tonight. He just wanted to sit on his couch, drink his beer and go to bed. Alone.

He was half-tempted not to even open the door, but he did anyway, blinking in surprise at who stood on the other side.

* * *

"April?"

"Hi," she replied, sounding nervous, shifting her weight from foot to foot just a little bit.

The expression on Jackson's face was pure confusion. "What are you doing here?"

April gathered her courage and said, "Can I come in?"

Jackson shrugged and turned away from the door, heading back to the couch. "So you can yell at me again? Tell me about whatever went down with Mr. Perfect Paramedic?" he said sarcastically over his shoulder as April followed him inside, closing the door behind her.

"That's not fa-," April started to say before cutting herself off. "No. It is fair. I deserved that," she said as she sat down on the edge of the chair that was catty-corner to the couch.

Jackson immediately felt his righteous anger soften at her words and the look on her face. But before he could say anything, April plunged ahead.

"And you deserve an apology," she said.

Jackson shrugged again. "Whatever. Don't feel like you have to apologize."

"I do, though," April insisted, earnestly, leaning forward, closer to him. "Because – okay, yes, I'm going to have to tell you some of what happened with Matt, because he forgave me for lying and he asked me to forgive him and I realized that, for almost a year now, the person I haven't been able to forgive is –" she paused, stumbling over her words a little, she was talking so fast "—is me." She looked at him, the plea in her eyes so easy to read. "I'm so sorry, Jackson. I've been blaming you for what happened between us, for failing the boards, for everything that happened afterward – because I've been too proud to blame myself."

Jackson sighed. "April – don't beat yourself up..."

April laughed shortly. "Shouldn't I? I've been beating you up for months. Figuratively speaking," she added, catching sight of the smirk that crossed Jackson's face for a spilt-second. Agitated, she stood up, pacing the room as she talked. "I said some really crummy things to you today. That wasn't fair. You – you didn't take anything from me and I know that. It's just – it's -" she faltered, clearly grasping for words.

"It's easier to blame someone else," Jackson finished.

April smiled ruefully. "Yeah," she said, dropping down to sit beside him on the couch.

"Look," Jackson said, turning his body towards her. "I'm sorry if I spoke harshly earlier."

April shook her head. "No, it's okay. It was what I needed to hear." She laughed sheepishly. "Maybe you should have said it a long time ago."

"Maybe," he agreed. "I mean it though. I'm sorry it all left you feeling so messed up."

April nodded, looking down at her lap. "Did you mean the other part?" she asked quietly, not looking at him. "The, um, the not regretting it part?"

"Yes."

April nodded, absorbing that.

He watched her, her head still down, for a minute before saying, "I wish you didn't. Regret it, I mean."

The room was pretty dimly lit, but he was pretty sure she was blushing.

"Sometimes I don't," she admitted. She appeared to be collecting her thoughts and he stayed quiet, still just watching her until she finally lifted her head, turning to look at him. "I think that's part of why I've struggled so much. On the one hand – I feel like I did something wrong, but on the other hand – it was all so right. With you, I mean. It – it felt right."

They looked at each other for a long, electrically charged moment before April looked away, breaking the spell.

"Life is so freakin' complicated," April muttered and Jackson burst out laughing.

"Well, there's a true statement."

April giggled before they both fell silent as their eyes met again.

"April?" Jackson said quietly.

"Yeah?" she replied, just as quietly.

"Why did you come here tonight?"

He was surprised that she actually held his gaze as she thought about the question. Finally, she shrugged. "Because it felt right. Because I realized today how much I've hurt you. Because I miss my friend. I don't like feeling like we're –broken."

Jackson nodded slowly. "Not broken, exactly. Maybe just a little – bent?"

April considered that. "Yeah. I like that. Not beyond repair." Without even realizing she was doing it, she shifted a little closer to him. She tilted her head, looking up at him, letting herself getting a little lost in that sea-green-blue gaze. "Like we can still fix us," she said in a voice just above a whisper.

"Yeah," he said just as quietly, right before their lips met.

This, April thought. This is what feels right. This is how it should have felt earlier with Matt. And it was why it felt wrong with him.

They broke apart, just kind of looking at each other in a sort of stunned silence before they both broke into nervous giggles.

"I don't know why I'm laughing," April admitted and Jackson shook his head.

"Me neither," he said.

"Well, actually, I sorta do, I was thinking that I have no idea whose 'fault' that was," April said teasingly.

Jackson laughed. "I think it was mutual."

April grinned. "Yeah, I think so." Then she sighed, leaning her head against Jackson's shoulder. "Things just got so much more complicated, didn't they?"

"Prreetty much, yeah," he agreed.

"Damn."

Jackson grinned. "We'll figure it out," he said as he pulled her into another kiss.

"Okay," she mumbled against his lips, giving in for a few more precious moments before pulling away.

"I – I think I need to go home now," she said, a little shakily.

Jackson nodded in response as she continued, the words spilling, "I'm kinda, sorta back with Matt and you still have your thing with Stephanie and if I felt guilty about us hooking up when we were both single, I'll feel terrible about –"

"Shh, I know," Jackson said, cutting her off. "I know. Me too. I understand. We'll work it out. Okay?"

"Okay," April replied, looking and sounding relieved. "Okay."

And as she stood up to go, knowing they both still had some difficult moments ahead, she really did feel like things would, finally, be okay.


End file.
